Oh.

I realized today I think three guys from India are good looking.C: I think one guy from Mexico is good looking that I currently talk to. One guy from here is good looking, here is Minnesota. One guy from Ukraine I am not sure, but I kind of like. So I suppose mainly, I am attracted to foreign guys?

Moving Out

I really want to move out of my moms house and start to drive, but my mother keeps trying to run my life and tell me what to do, to the point where I do not know if I can do anything without her running it but I am starting to realize that I need to start telling her to back the heck off. I need to live my own life, she cannot keep running the things in my life and she needs to let me be. Stop scheduling things I do not want to go to, let me decide what to do. Right now I cannot handle a job because my classes are too hard, yet she keeps pushing and theres no money, were broke I guess. I miss the organic grocery stores we used to frequent but she says we cannot afford it. Today I ate a few cookies then threw up, I forced myself to throw up and I felt better. I am unable to eat much and she keeps emotionally abusing me to the point where I feel I have to do certain things. She is driving my car but last night I pushed her out of my mind. I need to constantly tell her to back the heck out. Shes such a bully.

Trust

I do not feel like I can trust anyone. I feel like being an atheist, then I have a real reason not to go with my mom to the church where people do not care. Nobody from the church contacted me about how I am, or cared to invite me out after my friend died, they did not even contact me about praying for her. I feel like this whole good image thing from the church I attended was a lie. I am not willing to be around even more fakers than already exist in the real world, if I want to meet fakers, I will meet them out there in the real world and learn from their disrespect. My mother is pushing me to be atheist by trying to run my life.

"Never let go of hope. Someday you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself, "How did I get through all of that?" I know it may hurt, but if you give up now, you may be missing something greater than you could ever have imagined, and no one wants to miss something that will change their life forever. Just keep holding on, and you can bet it’ll get better. Turn you dreams into wishes, your wishes into goals, your goals into reality, and your dreams will come true."

Morning!

I weight less than I thought.C: Well one pound less... So working on losing, until I am in the double instead of the triple digits. As in 99 rather than 120. This mornings good though, I woke up early, not sure what I want to eat? Maybe a salad!

The Friends We Don't Have

Goals October 24-30

Goal Number One: Lose one pound, weigh less than you weight on Sunday, by Sunday the 30th of October.
Goal Number Two: Study more. At least one hour a day for Biology and Logic.
Goal Number Three: Avoid Andrey, let him be the one to approach you.
Goal Number Four: Don't text, message, like peoples posts, do not communicate with others.
Goal Number Five: Exersize daily, at least two hours a day.
Goal Number Six: Eat healthy, no junk food, vegan diet.
Goal Number Seven: No Facebook or IMVU.
Goal Number Eight: Plan out the week.
Goal Number Nine: Keep up with writing in this blog.

You Kill Me

I am feeling more and more lost in a hole of black, a dark never ending pit of depression. I fall freely, the shining light becoming less and less bright, invisible, a mirage. My eyes are set in a wide, sad stance, unable to change and be the happy slits they once freely were. Preparing for waterfalls to come, people to cut into a heart of the same body they are stuck within. My eyes are caged, my soul is falling apart in  pieces like a bad test. Little crumbles fall softly through the air, lightly, they fall silently as I scream inside how hurt I am, clawing at the insides of my body waiting, aching for someone to understand the pain I am in day in and day out.

Quote: "Those who cannot apologize are those who refuse to take responsibility for the wrongs in their words, and in their actions." -Kaitlyn Iliff.

This quote came to me because a person whom I have cared too much about told me he never apologizes, never says sorry. Right when he said this, I realized it might have been a mistake becoming his friend. A part of me still wants to stick with him as a friend and hope he starts to care about the feelings of others and take responsibility for his wrongs in words... Yet I might be too hurt today. He must have crossed a line. Last night he said the third hurtful thing he has spoken to me. Another trouble, he denied one of the disturbingly hurtful things he said to my face which made me get up and walk away. I might be walking away from the first friendship I have. Three things he has said to me and why he said them to me: "You introducing me to people is like ******* telling people to have sex with certain people." (He said this because if I am hanging out with him and we run into one of my friends I introduce him to them, it is a habit, me introducing people.) The second: "You stretch jokes so I can no longer laugh at them, they are not funny." (After he said this to me I said I had to go, went to my Biology class thirty minutes early after getting up and walking away, I later told him what he said hurt my feelings. This is what he denied saying, oddly I never forget the hurtful words tossed in my face. Also this statement was an insult to who I am.) The most recent and main event which crossed the line: "They ask me if we were dating and I say no, never go to clubs with girls the girls there think your dating." (I invited him along to a club, when I despise clubs because I wanted to bring him out and about, I told him it is best to go with guys and I am uncomfortable having guys who I do not know dance with me, and yet he did not have my back when I needed someone to be there for me.) He has inspired me to draw something... No it is not something nice, but it is art and someday if he sees this I hope he feels guilt and I am thinking this guilt will hurt.